The Penguin Papers

ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-08-23T08:49:00.000-05:00

Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life in this brain.

Well now......

2011-01-20T16:01:00.000-06:00

Today is (drum roll) National Penguin Awareness Day!

Just thought you would like to know. Thanks, Martha!

All my bags are packed....

2011-01-03T10:32:00.000-06:00

We'll be taking off from here in about 15 minutes. I've been spending my morning reading all the good thoughts and well-wishes from friends in the ether; I am overwhelmed and thankful for everyone. Your prayers and penguins make me feel very loved and empowered!

I will update as I am able (what kind of blogger goes to the hospital and leaves her netbook at home, I ask? lol ) but for now, it's kick off time for Operation Kick Cancer's Ass!
See you guys on the flipside.

T-1. Tick.....tick.....tick.....

2011-01-02T22:12:00.000-06:00

So, tomorrow's the big day. I spent today taking my second round of antibiotics, on a clear liquid diet and doing my colon prep. It's pretty safe to say I don't feel like going dancing right now and my lower alimentary canal has just asked for a divorce. However, if you happen to have a wonderfully greasy cheeseburger for me, you'll have a friend for life.

I realize not much of this makes sense and really this is just putting off going to bed. I'm a little anxious and scared, at the same time really wanting this whole thing over. So much feels uncertain right now - health, career, education - and after tomorrow a new normal will happen that there's no preview for. I am certain of the important things, thankfully. Between my husband, my family and so many fiends, no one has let me forget that I am loved and that alone will help me sleep tonight and get through the surgery and recovery. How blessed I am.

And with that I shall say goodnight.

Ack!

2010-12-14T13:49:00.000-06:00

Lots o' stuff to do this week and next. I looked at the calendar this morning and fourteen gazillion expletives milled around in my brain, jockeying for right of way in my mouth. I have ten, TEN, days to be done with just about everything I have to accomplish before Christmas, which if you know me, means that for every task I have to complete, there are 3 excuses to procrastinate. (I was valedictorian of my graduating class at Better Late Than Never University.)

So, while talking to my sister, I decided to jot down a list of things to ~~procrastinate~~ accomplish in the next TEN DAYS.

1) Finish Christmas shopping.
2) Wrap gifts.
3) Get cards finished and mailed.
4) Shop for remaining items for the Labor Party*
5) Write a gazillion blog posts.
6) Whine, because I have a sinus infection. Like I need that.
7) Pack for Operation Kick Cancer's Ass

You know, the usual.

Now that it's all written, maybe I should make an effort to work on some of it? Stay tuned, I'll let you know how it goes. Or doesn't go.

*Sometime between now and OKCA, my newest nephew should be making his debut, an event to which I am to take part. The easy part. The part that makes me very thankful for my impending menopause, thankyouverymuch.

I.love.it.

2010-12-13T20:55:00.000-06:00

I was looking at my blog stats and noticed that one of the keywords used in a search that found this blog is "an odd woman".

Indeed.

It's Monday again, and you know what that means, kids!

2010-12-13T20:43:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's another Freewriting Monday here at The Penguin Papers, another chance for me to blather on like I know how to write.

I've been laying low this past week. Remember the "I haven't cried yet" post? It happened and while it wasn't glorious or cathartic, it did get a fair amount of pent-up emotion released. I liken it to the aftermath of a decent dose of Milk of Magnesia - sudden and nasty. Not to mention that I am not a pretty crier and with my face already puffy from what I now know is a sinus infection, you can imagine how attractive I was that day. So, I took some time off thinking that I might get hit with it again, but so far I have retained the tenuous control over my emotions that I had before the purge. We'll call it a temporary emotion dump.

By today's count we are at T-21 days until Operation Kick Cancer's Ass. There's lots to do before the event, namely prepare for Christmas and wait for a certain young man in my life to make his arrival. Oh, and I might try to sneak another freak-out or two in there, as well. Who knows.

Okay, so....

2010-12-07T12:57:00.000-06:00

I haven't cried yet. Am I supposed to? Will it make me feel better? What's the standard protocol here? I know the things to say to family members and patients when they have cancer, but what's the etiquette for the patient herself?

I don't want this to be the All Cancer, All The Time blog, but damn it, I'm out of my element here.

If someone has a clue, I have a whole bunch of quarters.

Because I love a good silly joke.....

2010-12-07T11:43:00.000-06:00

Q: What did the cow say to Baby Jesus upon arriving at the manger?

Wait for it........

"Moo"

I can't help myself - inside my head lurks the brain of a 12-year-old boy. :D

Got any good silly jokes to share? Leave 'em in comments!

It's Monday, December 6

2010-12-06T21:24:00.000-06:00

And I really have no clue what today is about. But, it is freewriting Monday, after all, so no topic required.

The last half-week has been surreal. Mentally I'm thinking a little more clearly, but as the day wears on I tire faster. Maybe I'm just trying to find a good excuse for the occasional nap. ;) I actually sleep better during the day the day than I have been at night. There's something about the light going out that makes the gerbils on the treadmill in my brain wake up. This isn't anything new; I had problems with insomnia before the Big C, now I just have realistic worries to cycle viciously in my head.

The 2010 antler pictures have been shot and once they're edited will go up. I started this tradition last Christmas season, but with finals and other nonsense competing for my time, they didn't get posted. Anyone care to bet on whether or not I do it this year?

Now it's time to toddle off and hit the melatonin. 'Night, all.

Happy Birthday

2010-12-05T14:29:00.001-06:00

Waking up in the morning is a little different these days. As I said to Jim on Wednesday evening as we were preparing for bed, "I woke up this morning okay, now I'm going to bed as with cancer." Caregiver becomes patient.

Life has changed. I have read others talk about "life before/after" as being two different concepts and wondered if it really felt that demarcated, but the answer for me, at least for now, is yes. The life in which I took my health (and sanity?) for granted is done, now it's time to sit up and pay attention. Half-time is over, it's time to play serious ball.

This morning I received a lovely slap upside the head that was sorely needed. Miss Peyton turns 7 today. Four years ago Peyton was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and is now a survivor. To my eye there are no physical reminders of what Peyton went through, but as I looked at her birthday pictures today I could hear her tell me to get over myself, to get on with it and (if Anissa will forgive the Peyton voice in my brain), to kick the cancer's ass, like she did.

Oh, don't get me wrong - I will still whine and bitch occasionally. And I'm still not at the point where I have really accepted what's happening, but I'm getting there.

Thanks, Peyton. <3

This post brought to you by the letter C

2010-12-04T14:17:00.001-06:00

I'd like to be able to quote Garrison Keillor, "It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, my hometown", but the truth is I can't. In fact, it may be a long while before I can use that quote and get away with it, or at the very least feel like I'm not lying as it comes out my mouth.

This past Wednesday my husband and I, while sitting in a small exam room at my urologist's office, were told that the extra passenger on my right kidney is most assuredly cancer. Within an 80% probability. I had some presentiment of this appointment not being routine before we got there, which is why I had my husband with me but I thought it would be okay. Even when my lovely freckled, redheaded urologist walked in the room with a noticeable lack of his native buoyancy I still told myself that whatever it was, even if it was cancer, it would be alright.

And then he said it.

I sat there, holding Jim's hand and nodding at appropriate places in the conversation while my brain was trying to catch up, "excuse me, what did you just say?" Even in my most hypochondriacal moments never thought that word would pertain to me.

But, it does. And now I have to move through it and prepare myself for battle, cultivate my "warrior spirit", as my husband says. I doubt my readiness for that 3 days out, but each day brings up something new in my attitude while my heart works to catch up. The numbness is beginning to wear off and certain questions borne out of apprehension spring up like blades of grass in melting spring snow. The doubt and uncertainty is really the villain, not the cancer and my biggest battle will be on that particular hill.

Too bad I can't take this guy into battle with me:

Manic Monday Freewriting

2010-11-22T12:05:00.000-06:00

It's Freewriting Monday here at The Penguin Papers. In other words, I have nothing in particular to write about today, but still want to write. Which means that this may not be readable at all. Or may be very readable, but not worth caring about. Or worth caring about but...

Okay, I think you get the idea. I have several ideas swirling around in my head, but nothing stands out as The Topic for the day, so you may get all of them or none of them, just whatever flows out from my addled Monday brain through my fingertips.

One of the things rumbling around in the old brainbox is what I wish for in the coming year. Health and happiness, of course, for everyone in the household, good grades from the kids and maybe the possibility of seeing how far I can take the blog this year. It's just a baby blog, somewhat neglected over the last year, but it's something that's mine. All mine. And I can do with it whatever I want, within reason. The direction doesn't need to be spelled out and fixed, it just needs to be what it is - a place where this writer can write. Hopefully other people will read it, but my happiness as a blogger won't completely depend on how big my readership is. Well, that's my hope, anyway.

Or maybe just money and fame. ;)

"so Mama, don't take my Kodachrome away...."

2010-11-21T20:56:00.000-06:00

I've had an ongoing flirtation with photography since I was a kid, starting when I got my first Kodak 126 Instamatic at the age of 9 or so. Pictures, to me, are a tangible memory cue to happy times in my life and a photographic chronicle of my kids and grandkids during their journeys to adulthood and beyond. And to be completely honest, I do like looking at pictures of myself as the skinny young thing I was once upon a time. To take a picture is to grab a part of a memory to store it away for safekeeping.

That said, as much as I enjoy taking pictures, I fear I am not very good at it. I want to be, I think I can be, but when I take pictures and look at them critically afterwards, I don't like what I see. My current camera is a point-and-shoot Nikon Coolpix L100. It's a fine camera and easy to use, but I'm not very methodical about what and how I do things. I often don't remember what settings I use, so it's difficult for me to successfully edit my photos later to know what looks good. Additionally, I don't have a practiced eye, so what looks good to my untrained self might differ radically from what a pro would consider a good photo.

For instance:
The first photo here is dull, in my opinion. The colors don't pop and the details are slightly blurry.

The second photo is much brighter and shows more detail with less shadow, but when I zoom in it looks grainy, pixelated and overexposed. I'm beginning to wonder if this is an edit issue as opposed to how I shot it? Hmmmmm. (BTW, the lovely Nikon D70 centerpiece was my grad gift from my eldest who is tolerating my photographic apprenticeship quite nicely. Thanks, Meghann!)

I haven't decided if this one is the worst of the bunch, or the best of the bunch. Or why.

So, it's clear (at least to me) that I need some guidance and a big dose of patience if I want to become good at this, which I do. Um, help?

Oversexed what?????????

2010-11-20T19:39:00.003-06:00

I really don't know how the topic came up nor do I wish to delve into the odd psychology of this household that allowed such a tangent to occur but for some reason the ever-popular movie Oversexed Rugsuckers From Mars popped to the top of the conversational stack.

And people wonder why I have issues.

Wait, where am I?

2009-09-06T14:59:00.000-05:00

The summer flew, taking me and my camera along with it. It was a busy one - a visit from our oldest daughter and our grandspawn, much pool time with any variation of 4+2 kids (four kids of my own, plus 2 "adopted" kids who spent a lot of time at our house over the summer), and certainly not least, the long-anticipated trip to the home of our hearts in August.

Now school has started and we are all in a flurry of activity of homework, volleyball practices, clinical preps, exams, etc. I am in my last semester of nursing school for my associate's and anticipate being a (FINALLY) licensed RN sometime in late December/ early January. I won't know what to do with myself.

Oh, wait - I do, too. Finally edit the pictures from our trip and other ventures and POST THEM TO MY BLOG!

See what you have to look forward to? :D

News from the Frozen Tundra

2009-07-24T10:07:00.003-05:00

For a while now I've been following MckMama and her MSC, especially Stellan who survived prenatal Supraventricular Tachycardia. Stellan is now 8 months old, but still battles SVT which has necessitated another hospitalization. You can read more here on MckMama's blog. MckMama can also be found on Twitter and will most likely do most of her updating there. In the meantime, prayers and good thoughts for Stellan, please! Oh, and if you think about it, wear orange and send me a picture at thepenguinpapers at gmail dot com so that I can pass them onto MckMama.

Getting back to basics.

2009-07-22T18:55:00.005-05:00

It has been, without a doubt, a challenging summer here so far. Oh, we're all healthy and happy, etc., except for one thing.

We kill appliances.

First, the hot water heater thought it required intensive care i.e. a new element. That necessitated several service calls before it was fixed.

Then the fan motor on our water source heat pump went out. A week later. In the middle of hot, humid, mid-summer Mid-Missouri. Within the first 2 hours of the first visit with the second company we consulted, we had a fan motor ordered and a deal made. They came out, installed and we've been good to go since Monday.

Did I forget to mention the dead dryer? That gave it up the day before Jim left for a 9-day backpacking trip in CO. The replacement "is on the way in 5-7 days" so Jim put a clothesline up for me yesterday and I used it for the first time today.

Now I feel all earthmothery and slightly crunchy, which isn't a bad way to feel at all. I just didn't know a clothesline would be the thing to do it for me. The one thing I couldn't figure out, though, was how Barbara Billingsly could do this wearing heels?

I'm an odd, odd, woman

2009-07-21T18:26:00.006-05:00

I am, here and now, admitting that I am yet another number to notch onto Facebook's belt. I can quit anytime, really. I can.

But wait - it goes deeper than that. I have. a farm. on Farmtown. Ah, yes, FT* toyed with me for a while, but it waited until a night of solitude to pull me into its web, as I screamed "Yes, I want to gift a friend!", and then finished me off.

I love my farm. It doesn't have much yet, but it actually is soothing to play. And in just a few mouseclicks and a couple of keystrokes, entire fields can be plowed and planted, in about 10 minutes. It's just that easy.

So, I'm harvesting a "field" and wondering how much time it would take a farmer to accomplish an equivalent amount in real life? And I'm not even breaking a sweat.

Farmers sweat. A lot. Even with modern equipment, there's just no getting around the fact that a farmer's work is physically demanding, sometimes heartbreaking, and frequently challenging. They till and plant and tend and harvest for months without knowing if they're going to make enough money to eat or keep their homes. In short, harder than most of the rest of us. And we get to benefit from their hard work, too.

So, the next time you see a farmer, say thanks. Buy produce. Because just a simple appreciation of someone for the value they add to your community, is just the right thing to do.

*Timesuck

"And you want to drive my car when??"

2009-07-20T21:35:00.004-05:00

Erin*, our 13yo, is usually good about remembering birthdays. She was at her dad's during both mine and Jim's birthdays so she was unable to give us our birthday gifts until this evening.

Behold

I love it.

*The Teen Princess

"They're dead, Jim."

2009-07-20T21:11:00.004-05:00

Yeah. So, tonight I took several pictures, including some of the Teen Princess, as basis for several blog posts. But, as luck would have it, they got eaten somewhere between my usb cable and the save-as dialog box. No doubt about it, this is a classic example of a PEBKAC* error, courtesy of yours truly.

And I used to be so technical.

*Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair

Now, this is what I call sweet

2009-07-19T02:32:00.003-05:00

My oldest kid, Meghann, and I have gotten into the habit of talking in the evening before bedtime, just hanging out, etc. Tonight as we were talking I was once again pulling my hair out over designing my new blog template, which I have yet to put up. (I've been wanting to do this for months and have finally decided to grab it by the, ahem, horns just recently.) During our discourse, this little lady made her way to me through email. Isn't she sweet?

And as Paul Harvey said...

2009-07-19T01:11:00.001-05:00

Here is the rest of the story. Or pictures, rather.

Help us all, she's got a camera!

2009-07-19T00:15:00.006-05:00

So, sometime ago I bought a new toy, a Nikon Coolpix L100 and have been having great fun getting to know what it can do. Tonight I was bored, so I decided to take a twilight jaunt to our local lake which happens to be a mere 5 minutes from our house. Not all of the pics turned out as well as I had hoped, but the following are, if I may say so myself, not bad at all.

There are more, of course, but this shutterbug needs to a)upload more to Picasa and b)convince myself to go to bed. I'm not sure which of those tasks will come first, though. :D

This is just silly....

2009-01-07T17:13:00.000-06:00

But I love silly.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

2008-09-30T20:54:00.002-05:00

Just a side note: I'll write on and off here for the next little while, hopefully with more regularity than in the past, but keep your eyes out for changes here at The Penguin Papers - a new look, a new home. I'm hoping to have this done within the next few weeks and certainly before classes resume, barring any major life interruptions. One can only hope. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Back to School

2008-09-30T20:38:00.002-05:00

So, huh. It'll be October in just a few hours and just today I realized that it's been several months since I've posted. The summer flew by and I'm still wondering where it went, even though I know the answer to that question, anyway.

My absence initially coincided with the flurry that was summer semester, the eight weeks of chaining myself to a widely varied number of nursing textbooks. Summer classes ended in early August so I began my "summer vacation" later than everyone else in the house. Now it's time to prepare myself for the grind that will be the remainder of my Associates Degree in Nursing program. I'm anxious to get started but also wary of what I'll become once classes begin. This summer was lost to the books. I spent easily 5-6 hours a day studying, sandwiched in between hour-long jaunts to my parents' pool to cool off with the kids.

So, now it's time to gear up for October 20, when I start the remainder of my Associates Degree in Nursing program. Finally. The air is beginning to feel crisp at predictable times of day so I know it's time and I feel expectant but nervous. Time to dust off the backpack, gather my supplies and make sure the clinical uniforms are in good shape.

It's time to get back to work, thank goodness.

Oh, no, it's a MEME!!!

2008-05-29T18:51:00.003-05:00

My very first. This one I got from my girlfriends list earlier today. These things usually make me giggle because it's so, um, junior high in a lot of ways, but I'm, um, junior high in a lot of ways, so I guess it's okay. Oh, yeah, must tag someone I suppose so I choose Jim, the lucky guy, with the proviso that whomever he tags must get back to me. :) And I nearly forgot - one word answers, please.

Alrighty, here 'tis:

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk

2. Where is your significant other? Desk

3. Your Mother? Pool (thought I was going to say desk, didn't you?)

4. Your father? Driveway

5. Your favorite thing? :)

6. Your dream last night? School

7. Your favorite drink? Wine

8. Your dream/goal? FNP

9. The room you're in? Office

10. Your fear? Heights

11. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Clinic

12. Where were you last night? home

13. What you're not? tall

14. Sandwich? Quesadilla

15. One of your wish list items? laptop

16. Where you grew up? Missouri

17. The last thing you did? Backspaced

18. What are you wearing? shorts

19. Your TV? TV?

20. Your pets? Husband

21. Your computer? Lifeline

22. Your life? Odd

23. Your mood? Good

24. Missing someone? Grandma

25. Your car? Malibu

26. Jewelry you're wearing? Rings

27. Favorite Place to eat? Domenico's

28. Your summer? Swimming!

29. Like someone? Yup

30. Your favorite color? Green

31. When is the last time you laughed? Now

32. Breakfast today? None

33. Last time you cried so hard you couldn't stop? Tuesday

34. Texas Polygamy case? Travesty

35. Weather now? Balmy

36. Your first love? Deskboy (:0)

37. Your first kiss? Surprising

38. Sex? Now?

39. Favorite Spectator sport? Baseball

40. What scared you last? Surgery

41. Favorite clothing? Jammies

42. Love or Like? Love

43. Presidential Election? Irritating

44. Favorite number? 3

45. Best TV Show?Grey's

46. Last movie you saw?Funny

47. First time you smoked? 21

48. Spare time spent? Studying

49. Leader or follower? Leader

Better late than ever, I suppose

2008-05-22T19:30:00.002-05:00

Yep, new title. I think it fits me better than the last one, which was a half-hearted attempt at coming up with something witty without a lot of forethought. We'll see how long I stick with this one. :)

Danger, Will Robinson!

2008-04-03T15:41:00.002-05:00

Title change ahead. :)

Dreams, wishes and goals

2008-04-03T08:34:00.002-05:00

Just a little mind dump today. I'm studying for a microbiology test that I'm sure I will do well on but still - I'm feeling a certain amount of pressure to do better than I have been doing. It's not like CIS class, where it's fun, I'm learning and I know I'll do well, but now the stakes are higher.

When I was a kid I thought often about wanting to be a doctor. I can't say I'm sorry that my life followed the path it did - I'm happy with my life. I have a great husband and kids, supportive parents and siblings. But, as a teen had I had a little better idea of what I could accomplish I would've chosen a different path. More math, more science, and not be so wrapped up in the elusive teen girl things. I should've known (and did, down in my heart)that I was different - not your average teen girl. But sometimes the goals of a 16 year-old don't dovetail with truly adult goals/needs.

So, I didn't go the med school path. Whatever. But, I can still get "there" from here. I am smart, I have good judgment, and I have compassion. All good skills for a nurse, which I am. It's my mission, my path, my service. And I have to do it to the best of my ability, employing my head and using the tools God gave me.

I envy my daughter, Erin. She knows she's smart and she knows how to study and how to get, at least academically, what she wants. Already in 6th grade she speaks of going to college as an eventuality and by gum, I believe she's going to do it.

Just some thoughts.

Now this is just silly

2008-04-02T08:54:00.001-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2007-12-31T16:44:00.001-06:00

Yeah, what Jim said

Letter

2007-12-23T23:37:00.001-06:00

And yes, the letter finally came a few weeks ago.

I'm a nursing student, once again. Details later.

Go me!

Christmas Is Coming, The Goose is Getting Fat

2007-12-23T22:43:00.000-06:00

Jim and I are sitting in our respective cubes in our joint office listening to Christmas music. It's Christmas Eve Eve and tonight I had the privilege of singing with the worship band at church, and now my husband is treating me to the sounds of childhood.

Since a first-grader I have spent the bulk of the Yuletide season preparing for a performance of some kind or another. As a child it was the all-school Christmas Program, for which much preparation took place. It seemed that for weeks and WEEEKKKSS classes were suspended for the joy of sitting in church in intense boredom until it was time for whatever group I was in to do its thing and then back to boredom in the pews. But, I remember, even as a young kid, being rocked by the emotion of the performance: being in front of a packed church, spotlights on, and hoping/praying that I would/could remember all of the lines or lyrics of whatever we were doing at the time. And loving every minute of it.

Then, the high school years.

Unless weather intervenes, the second Tuesday of December sees the flocking of many local citizens to the rotunda of the state capitol building, literally camping out in order to get good seats, to listen to several hundred high school kids from our city's high school involved in choir and orchestra perform some of the world's most beautiful and treasured Christmas music. The event, Capitol Caroling, is many decades old and is a landmark event in our city's historical legend.

My freshman year in high school was Capitol Caroling's 38th year (I may be inaccurate on this). Our director, Carl E. Burkel, performed as a young boy in the very first performance and as of 1978, my freshman year, had been the director for many years, including when my parents were in high school. Everything I learned about vocal music performance I learned from Mr. Burkel. It is because of him that I can't hear "O, Silent Night" or "O, Holy Night" without breaking down.

Looking back, I am proud of those years, those performances. Learning how to make vowels match, how to drive a director nuts while tuning a choir body of more than 300 voices, how to run amok on a solemn, sedate building of government and make it ours for a night. I couldn't have said so then, but we really rocked that building from 1978 to 1981 with some excellent voices and musicians. To have been a part of that it something I treasure for the gift it was.

So I'm grown now and other experiences replace what was then, events that have their own unique richness and tradition, including playing Christmas songs on the keyboards for my children as they prepare for bed. Not a sellout performance for sure, but maybe one day my kids will remember them as the same cherished, running theme that has been present throughout my life.

Adeste fideles,
laeti triumphantes;
venite, venite in Bethlehem;
natum videte regem angelorum.
venite, adoremus Dominum.

Oh, good grief

2007-11-14T18:38:00.000-06:00

I am going to go out of my everlivin' mind if the letter doesn't get
here soon!!

What letter, you may ask? Why, the letter that will tell me whether or
not I get to start the last part of my RN program in January or not! :)

I was told when I applied to the program that I would find out toward
the latter part of November and I'm probably hurrying it, thinking that
letters should go out before Thanksgiving break. So, like an expectant
dad in the waiting room, I pace in front of the mailbox most afternoons
I'm home and dash for the 'box as soon as I get home from work. This
will dictate what classes I will take in January. It will either be

Some nursing class with clinical

OR

Microbiology and possibly Nutrition and Developmental Psychology. (The
last 2 I may not have to retake since I took them in LPN school.)
Registration is already open, so I want to get on with it and get
registered for everything as early as I can get moving.

Now it's just the classic hurry up and wait. It's a good thing I'm a
patient person. LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Sunday, November 4

2007-11-04T20:57:00.001-06:00

A few quick notes:

1)Good weekend, got some things accomplished, got to spend some time with Morgann and both my moms, AND got my desk cleaned off for the most part. All good.

2)Church was good tonight. I'm really starting to feel comfortable with the band and feel like I have a place in it.

3)Great dinner at Mom and Dad Lehmer's. I ate too much. ;)

4)Nice note from Morgann on my hostess card at the Mary Kay party today. Very sweet.

Good day.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

2007-11-03T21:14:00.000-05:00

Good day. Woke up late, thought it was 8ish judging from the fullness of my bladder (confession: it's a rare night when the necessity to void rears it's ugly head later than 2am) but when I came upstairs and Morgann was already sitting in front of our kitchen kiosk. I thought *she* was up unusually early until I noticed the clock above her head, which read 10:21am.

The younger monkeys were at their dad's this weekend, so it was me, Jim and Morgann in the house by ourselves today and it was really good. We all worked on housework which forced the issue of when I was going to clean off my very neglected desk (it looks so much better now), and then Morgann and Jim went futon shopping. This is actually a big occurrence in our household because it means Morgann has decided that she is going to be here for a while. And while I'm somewhat mourning the loss of my Office, I am glad that she has decided to be a fulltime member of the family - a long-overdue decision, to be sure. At least in mine and her father's opinion. Morgann is fitting well into family traditions as well as helping to create her own, in essence creating her own niche in the family. Tonight I was able to join her in watching a little bit of Transformers, a present for being hired at our local publisher (starting Monday, November 5!). It was fun.

Did I say I was going to write sbout an ambition today? Hmm, I shall write about it tomorrow. Until then....

Friday, November 2

2007-11-02T21:57:00.001-05:00

Good day at work...which is special considering that work has been extremely stressful lately. But today was a good day.

Tomorrow I shall blog about finally achieving an item on My List...you know, the list of things I've always wanted to accomplish if given a chance.

A post a day?

2007-11-01T21:22:00.000-05:00

Hmm, I'm going to try this....http://nablopomo.ning.com

The first entry is one I actually wrote at the beginning of September but wasn't able to post until now.

9/8/07

63%. Okay, 63% of 18 years, roughly, the portion of time Erin will spend growing up, being a kid at home.

She began Junior High school this year and I was okay with it up until Open House night. Now, if you don't know what Open House is, let me tell you that it can be an evening fraught with anxiety for a parent, especially if their child is starting a new phase of their education. Which Erin did, and it must be known that her mother was a bundle of nerves. But, I get ahead of myself.

This entire last summer I watched, with a glow of joy and pride, a young girl beginning her change from being an awkward kid to a budding young lady, coming into her own with all the changes and accomodations inherent in all pubescent girls. She is becoming a woman.

So, I was okay with that, accepting the inevitable and marveling at the growth my firstborn has been experiencing. She has seemed so much more mature (not to mention taller and more curvy) over this summer.

That is, until Open House.

We met Erin's homeroom teacher, we toured her classroom and the Jr. High rooms. All was well and good until The Lockers.

The hallways in the Junior High portion of our school's building are lined with lockers, with each locker being assigned to a 6th, 7th or 8th grade student. As we were introduced to this area other students and their parents were milling about, looking for their child's locker, putting things away and making sure Tim or Suzanne could open their lockers.

Tim and Suzanne were HUGE compared my tiny little girl who, at this point, was learning the basics of Combination Lock 101 with her dad. The other girls looked like the kids I went to school with when I was in Junior High at the very same school. Erin looked like (compared to them), well, my baby.

Thud.

I can't even speak of the first day of school except to say that Erin did much better than I did, of course. She still reassures me that everything is going okay - she has friends, she's acclimating well and staying on top. Small comfort for her mother who sees so much of herself in the little tiny blonde-haired girl who just a few short years ago began her school adventure. I was teary during Opening Day Chapel, she followed her classmates as they filed out of church back to their classroom like she'd been doing it for a hundred years.

The lesson here? Mother needs to get a grip. Erin is 63% of her life closer to college and then it is all up to her. And you know, I think it will really be okay. I just need to spend that last 37% telling my heart that it will be fine, that what we have taught Erin and instilled in her will serve in good stead in her parents' absence.

Any port in a storm, man, any port in a storm.

What - a post from me???!

2007-08-13T17:03:00.001-05:00

Look - New! Improved! page template. Only the 3rd one I've used with only 5 posts to show for the entire blog. I keep thinking that one of these days I'm going to write my own template (if Blogger allows that?) but then I also think I'm going to post on this damned thing, so there you go. At any rate, this particular template was inspired by my friend Shannon's latest post about her trip to Outer Banks, NC. Looks like a great place, glad they had a good time.

Today I finished reading, or in my husband's language, obsessing, about a new blog I discovered just a few days ago. Julie is funny, smart, insightful, and knows how to swear with such expertise that puts me, a champion pottymouth, to shame. Julie and her husband Paul have navigated the waters of infertility, ART, and raising a preemie son with grace, humor and aplomb. Can't wait to read more.

Life goes on here. We had a parenting shake-up earlier in the summer resulting in my ducklings coming home to roost permanently as opposed to the 3-week flip-flops from here to the other pond that was our existence for the previous 5 or 6 years. Now we are the "Live with Mom, every other weekend with dad" cliche'. A little shocking at first for the adults in this house, but the kids knew (and had adjusted to the idea already) before Jim and I were approached with it. There was very little adjustment period, to speak of, and it seems now that it has always been this way. The 3-week periods without the kids are a distant memory now. For the most part. :)

One of the bigger blessings in this has been having the ability to decide unilaterally where the kids will attend school in the fall. Took all of 3 seconds deliberation. Really. Back to my elementary alma mater (as well as my mother's) they go and thank God for that. So long, public school. They start on August 20, which day will see me driving them to school a maudlin, slobbery mess. I'm nothing if not sentimental.

In other news: Work's been a pain but it beats being unemployed. The overtime will quite handily pay for any present or future haircolor I (may) need. Soon. (Saves having to setup a paypal account for donations, wouldn't you say? ) We've all been on edge at the office but hopefully in a few more weeks it'll be a much more relaxed environment. Miracles can happen, you know. And I could lose 50 more pounds by the next girlfriend's weekend, too.

Disjointed Ramblings

2007-04-28T14:39:00.000-05:00

I'm not in a good space today. Maybe it's just hormones; I never know when the old period is going to show up. Anyway, I feel sad, irritated, and bitchy. I hate feeling this way even when I feel the reasons behind it are justified.

So, Jim now has a blog. My discovering this was actually somewhat of an event. A few nights ago he was typing away at something which in and of itself is not unusual. He's always got a post in his head for the Salon, the email list he started many years ago, or something related to work. I'm used to waking up in the morning hearing his keyboard clacking away. I asked him if he was posting in his blog, just jokingly and he said no. I didn't think anything else about it until later when I found an email in my inbox entitled "I lied".

Apparently he's had the blog for 2 months and I never knew. The content of it is not an issue; he's been writing about faith-based issues that he has and how he is working through them. The issue is that he's written about some very intense thoughts and feelings and sharing with the blogosphere, instead of me, because he was afraid we would argue about it. That makes me sad and hurts that he couldn't bring it to me. Have I been so unwilling to listen that he felt that he had to hide his inner self (and some great writing along with it) from me?

There's a little bit of anger here, too. For a long time he was very opposed to my having a blog because he was afraid I was keeping things from him - hiding imagined writing about "others" and things I wanted to keep secret. There are no secrets to keep. I just wanted a place just to write a little bit in occasionally, which is silly since I can never remember how to log into it to post.

I'll get over this all, I know. Some husbands cheat/abuse/whatever. All my husband did was keep some writing from me. We've already talked a little bit about the subject matter in a good way. As time goes on it'll become easier. Right now I'm still just hurt and licking my wounds. Part of me wants to be pissy and let out every bit of anger I've ever had against anybody. Part me me wants to curl up in a ball and be left alone forever. Part of me wants to just disappear.

Wait, you know, I'm not sure those last few sentences have anything to do with Jim, his blog, or anything. Now I'm feeling the rage and a really bad case of the "I wants". As in "I want to be noticed", "I want to contribute", "I want to matter".

Sigh. I wish my period would fucking start.

A rather timely find

2007-04-01T15:07:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure who originally wrote this, but it was posted on my fave message board and I found it to be a rather timely piece and quite funny, considering my mood of late.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or Salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your Revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each
month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough
time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people
must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For
the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Pink, schmink

2007-03-03T14:52:00.000-06:00

So, it's just over a year late and I finally decided to change the color of this silly thing to blue instead of pink. I didn't end up participating in the 3-day last year for various reasons, mostly because I chose to go back to work because now the goal is to get our debt paid down so that I can.....
(drum roll, please......)

Go back to school. Yep, I've decided to launch myself into academia once again and finally (FINALLY!) finish where I left off in pursuing my RN after I had to quit when pregnant with Jon and Gloria.

Other than that, life is continuing to roll along. We're heading right into birthday season with the twins on March 18 then Morgann on the 27th. Big one for Morgie this year - 21! She's had sort of a bum year with lack of employment and now a lack of vehicle but hopefully her 22nd year will hold better things for her. I can't say I think all of her choices so far in adulthood have been good ones, but I'm proud of her for hanging in there and learning the lessons.

Work has been plenty stressful lately. It's been a real rollercoaster, complete with an attempt at changing nursing hours by our administrator that had everyone threatening to quit over it, including myself. We're losing staff over it, anyway, so we're going to head into another couple of months of uncertainty, until our staffing comes back up to par. And all because of one person, who doesn't seem to give a damn. Sigh.

The annual Strightly Female trip is scheduled once again for Gatlinburg in April. After a lot of discussion it was decided that it would be easier to have it in the same place in the same month every year, to save us all a lot of planning grief. Works for me. :) We've got basically the same group going this year as last and it looks at this point that it's possible that Deb might be able to come, which will be fun. We'll see if her hairshow cancels or not.

Geez, it's after 3pm - think I oughta get out of my jammies and get dressed? ;)

This is awfully pink, don't you think?

2006-01-30T14:37:00.000-06:00

So, one of the fun things about setting up a blog is finding all the different templates that are available. I thought, since this is about training for the 3-Day that I would choose something with a pink theme. I hadn't bargained, however, on Pepto-Bismol pink. I'll keep it for a while, just for giggles, though. Damn, though - it's PINK!

So, yeah - I'm going to take a 60-mile walk over a 3-day period in September of this year in St. Paul, MN to raise bucks for Breast Cancer. I hadn't know about the 3-Day until I met a great gal who had participated before while researching the Walk for a news article (Hi reporterbabe!). After reading what reporterbabe had to say about the Walk and her enthusiasm for it, I let her know that if she wanted to try it again I was game for doing it with her. It wasn't too long before we were scheming to recruit more team members from the parenting board we belong to (www.Sybermoms.com), hoping to get a few more people involved.

It snowballed.

The more we talked, the more people began joining the cause and those that didn't participate in the actual walk supported our team with time, talent and money to help us fundraise. It's amazing what a determined bunch of moms can do; in 2005, our second year as a team, we raised over $65,000. Unbelievable.

The sad part is that there will be another Walk this year and every year until Breast Cancer meets its demise. Through hard work and determination, the millions of walkers who participate in each of the 3-Day events have raised millions of dollars for Breast Cancer research, but it's still not enough. It won't be enough until we can beat the monster that has already taken so many vital lives, devastating family after family.

This is a cause I believe in wholeheartedly. If it hadn't been for the money already raised, the type of equipment used to find even very tiny masses would not exist making early detection much more difficult.

Please consider giving. For the women in your life: To Donate